Hate myself

i was a pbsm member throughout my secondary school..
attempt to help people always fail especially those which are urgent
when i was form5, i done a mistakes
stpd enuf to find teachers and inform them rather checking the person condition
i had failed everything..
when think back i knw i really dun deserved to be a 1st aid member.
being so stupid at the urgent moment..
sigh...
yesterday, my friends and i went for a day trip to cameron
on the way bck we met accident and the car upside down.
his hand upper part fracture while the lower part hav a ddep cut till c the bone..
that moment, i tried call the ambulance bt they are being nt effective
and tat time i duno knw wat matters applied to his condition.
i was given a cloth to stop the bleeding.. they ask me tie it hard..
but i juz couldnt make it.. i juz wrapped around the wounds and tie a loose knot.
i afraid of doing the wrg things..
and when he still trapped in car, i dont knw how to pull him out,
one of my fren pull him out while i was calling ambulance
so.. i really a failure.
lucky 2 car went for a trip n my fren manage to send him to hospital in time..
while waiting him to b operate.
i m so down bec unable to figure out what is wrg n right..
n my past flash back again being an useless member and even a vice-president of pbsm
cant handle this matters.. i scare i tie loose knot will cause him loose too much blood
or if tat time i tied a tight knot.. his hand gonna b gone..
in high school always heard the instructor said people always tend to help bt ended up make the situation worst.. so i was worried am i the ONE of them..
the 4 hours in the hospital.. i suffered frm pain n the brain keep thinking those stuffs.
isnt tha pain mk me suffered bt the facts that i m a failure and unable to help me keep me struggle..
12 am we left the hospital without news..
and 3 am at last have his news.. he is ok..
hand will recover in 1 month bt ned half a year bck to normal
at last i could settle down..
nw my body pain like shitz...n final juz nxt week.
i running out of time n yet my mind still cant get this accident through..
the few secs b4 the car overturned..
i juz thinking how to tell my parents n deep in my heart hoping i dont hav serious injurt else my parents will b damn worried.. n rush down frm subang juz to c me..
juz dun hope to again becum the blacksheep of the family